When Thing's Started Going Wrong

I hit the back of my head rhythmically to the beat of the song as I drove, knuckles white on the steering wheel and eyes focused on far more than what was physically in front of me. My eyes burned from the recent lack of moisture, and as I exhaled I let out a series of weak coughs. This isn't you, I said to myself, with a dry laugh. For the first time in my life there was a greater force constructing the dam that has held the floodgates of my emotions to repress themselves. It was as if Moses himself held his arms wide and parted the red sea of my thoughts from crossing the line between... idk, powerlessness and emptiness- for lack of better words. I would have been the last to follow that day, I would have felt trickles of water splash the soles of my feet and heard the Pharisees horses hooves lift, and tread the water that grew tall beneath them. I would have thought to myself, why them? Why not me? Of course, judging by my recent decision making skills, I'm surprised that same tide hasn't swept me away already...
"Are you angry with me?"
"No."
"I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for, this is entirely my doing."
"You're not a terrible person.."

It's hard to tell these days, what love is. So easily could I rent a pair of fine spectacles labeled "love" and watch in awe at whoever stood before me. I would reach to touch them, leap to get a grip, and they would step aside, and I would love it because it meant I didn't have to sit anymore, I could move, I could follow, I could run, I could chase, and blind fold my eyes from seeing the parts of the world I didn't want to exist... and when we kissed I would close my eyes, I would turn my back, I would become my tongue and dance with them through my soul, and laugh when the tangibility hit me like a strong wind that blows my worries of yesterday, or tomorrow away because RIGHT. NOW. I. AM. IN. LOVE.
Or are you?

Something in the wind hit your lens, and theres a crack.
It starts to spread.
You start to squint.
It shatters.
You shatter, and you fall to your knees, frantically searching to find the glasses that blew to the floor. The dust gets in your eyes, and...crunch... even when you find the glasses, they're only frames now...
Someone grabs your hand, you don't know who, but you feel safe.
So you trust them.
And you walk.
Aimlessly.


They have an extra pair, so you put them on.. blink, squint, and focus with a funny expression on your face, well... its better than nothing. Right?
You watch the blurs greet you, they like you.
They come and go.
You get tired, so you fall asleep.



And you dream about the day you bought those first pair, when the ecstasy of love held you together, and broke your spirit to spread your mind and heart before you, and she did the same. Together, you we're a mosaic, of thoughts and feels....
When, instead of sleeping to dream, you lived to wake up and be reminded of the unbelievable reality.

You woke up with a sinking memory, but you couldn't tell if it was from a dream, or something that actually happened...
You both took off your glasses, and touched the imperfections engraved on the other. Weeping, and looking away unintentionally, amongst words of hostile affection, you called out.. "Look at me so I can see your beautiful face..."
Then a moment of silence occurred.
She froze, looked up at you, and in the time it took for the title wave to grow, tower, and peak, you both collapsed in tears with the crashing waves.

It was the last time you cried.

I truly believe memories come and go inside of us against our will, against our strength, immune to our beliefs and opinions... they teach us. They unfold themselves differently each time, and every instance in which they occur you find yourself existing in the then, and in the now.

Suddenly, I realized I didn't need glasses. I needed a new perspective.
So I set those old ones down and stumbled back into the halls of filed memories in search for the folder labeled, "When Thing's Started Going Wrong."

If you need to get a hold of me, that's where I'll be..





Thats enough for now.